Interpersonal conflicts are part and parcel of our daily lives. For myself, I have encountered many such conflicts with my parents and friends but have always found a way to deal with it. However, one such conflict that happened one year ago is still fresh and vivid in my mind as I failed to resolve the situation.
It took place during an Engineering Professionalism module where I am required to do a group project and a presentation. In my group, there were two of my friends and another guy who we were unfamiliar with. On the first day itself, I found out something strange with his e-mail address- his NUS mail was unlike us with the typical ‘U05.....’. As I was the group leader, I sent everyone mails for our first group meeting and to our utmost surprise he did not turn up. I phoned him but he did not respond to my calls. In the next class, I asked him what happened and he told me he could not make it as he was very busy. I told him what we discussed in the meeting and gave him his share of work which had to be submitted in one week’s time. To our amazement, he did not submit anything. My group mates were very angry and wanted to report him to the tutor. I could not decide what to do as I did not want him to have bad grades because of us. However, due to the pressure from my other friends, I reported him.
Sometime later, I approached him and talked for a while. I found out that he matriculated in the year 2002, and it was supposed to be his last semester. He took 2 year leave as he suffered from a depression probably caused by terrible second year result. He was pressurised by the university officials as well as his parents to complete his degree. In addition, he had constant fights with her mother. I felt very sorry for him and realised I should not have report the matter to the tutor.
Therefore, my dear friends what should have been done to deal with this kind of problem?
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ReplyDeleteHi Yuvraj: i feel that it is alright to report your group member to the professor. This is because he would have put in effort to complete his work if he had wanted to graduate in time. However, I am not so sure whether his refusal to do his work was due to his depression or just pure laziness. Anyway, if he was really remorseful and promised that he would hand up his part of work in time, you could probably try to speak to the professor about his situation. Hopefully, the professor would not fail him for this important module.
ReplyDeleteFrom this conflict that you have posted, i would like to say that problem to his depression was probably triggered by the stressful study environment in NUS and immense pressure given by his parents . I guess your group mate would probably do better in his study if he did his undergraduate studies overseas. I realised from my exchange studies in sweden that there is no limit on the number of years that each student takes to complete their undergraduate studies. In addition, it is prefectly common for students to take 1 year break in between their undergraduate courses. Thus, the students there are not stagmatised by the society. This is unlike the situation in Singapore.
Hey Yuvraj,
ReplyDeleteThis is indeed a sensitive issue. I feel that as fellow NUS students we should be tactful when we meet such students who may directly or indirectly need our help in coping with their stress levels.
I feel that you and your group members should have met up with this guy and had a heart-to-heart chat with him first. This would have helped clear things up and you guys could have known what his issue was sooner and in the process he may have become an actively contributing member of your group.
If the above-mentioned method had failed then you guys could have gone ahead and reported him to your tutor. I guess you would not have had a choice at that point of time. Although NUS may be a top ranking unversity, I have always felt that we could improve ourselves in our human relations skills. It is always admirable when we put ourselves in another's shoes. Just a thought! :)
Hey Dhinesh, Thanks for the comments...
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that he was always hanging around alone and very isolated from the group. He did not even come for the meetings and in class he was shy. We thought he was lazy and not willing to work. I tried to talk to him(on msn), but always would put put an excuse.
It is at the end of week 11, nearly the end of the course that I managed to approach him and got to know him better.
Terry: I must admit the stressful conditions here in NUS..like they say in singlish, die die must finish lah...haha
Hi Yuvraj,
ReplyDeleteI read your post with sadness as I had a friend who suffered from depression due to study stress. She had to take antidepressants and never fully recovered.
Firstly, I think you did nothing wrong. After all, he was the one who did not communicate his problems. However, it also reflects the overly competitive situation in Singapore where the slower or problematic learners are condemned.
Secondly, I feel it is not him but the university adminstration who is the one at fault. Perhaps they should have given him a new email address (or he could have wise up and give an external email). They also should not have given him so much stress to complete his education given his fragile mental state.
I also agree with Terry that he would probably have received a better education overseas. At least he would get away from his mother's demands.
For my solution, I guess maybe you could tell him to confess to the professor himself. Since you have already reported him, it would be hard to retract your statement.Your interpersonal conflict also shows the importance of EQ. Only when you are fully aware of the entire situation can you avoid misunderstandings or doing things you regret. There's nothing much you can do except provide a listening ear and encourage him if he ever needs it. He would have to fight his own personal demons himself.
Hi Yuvraj, I think maybe next time you could have a talk with him first before reporting him to the professor. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboard so we could try understanding before deciding what action should be taken. But of course, if that submission concerned the grades of you and your friends, then I think there is no need to feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteYou very clearly and concisely describe the problem scenario and the people involved, Yuvraj. You also pose the relevant question. The scenario generates lots of feedback from classmates. (I assume that this sort of conflict, in a project work group, is fairly common.) You have a lot of advice to work with.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the fine post!
Hi Yuvraj, I think I had an almost similiar situation as you (while completing a project for Engineering Professionalism too)! This particular groupmate was not contributing to the project and whatever that was assigned to him, they were always not completed on time. At the end of the day, the rest of the group members did report to the tutor and his attitude improved by a little bit. The only difference is that he knew he was at fault and he did not have a problem with depression.
ReplyDeleteI feel that whenever we faced such a tricky situation, one question we may want to ask ourselves will be: what kind of relationship do I want to build with my groupmate(s). This is an important question because whatever the answer will affect our decision to act accordingly. If we just want to complete the project, we may not even think of giving much thought to how sour our relationship may turn out to be at the end of the project. If we really want to build a new friendship, we may go to the extent of trying to help him overcome his problem.
I guess that someone suffering from depression needs alot of care and encouragement to move on. They also need the understanding of the surrounding people.
Hence, while working in the project, the group may want to try to understand his condition and make necessary compromises.
However, there is always a limit to how much the group can compromise. This is where the group need to got he extra mile to help him. For example, build a true friendship with him (since he is an 'old' student and probably has no friends) and help him out with his work. But adopting this choice of action is going to be tough work for everyone, especially the leader because he also needs to 'answer' to the rest!
I am not sure reporting him to the tutor will be a good idea because noone is sure how well he can handle such matters. Nevertheless, this may be a necessary action because the tutor needs to be able to grade fairly. I guess this is always not easy and what to do really varies in different situations. Just my two-cents worth...